Dipper's Journal
by MistressYaoi
Summary: Hello. This is Dipper Pines. I'm not entirely sure as to how to start a journal but I was recommended to. Not sure why - no one's going to read it but me. But I guess it's a psychological thing for my psycho mind. Hah.
1. Week 1

**AN: Oh lord... I have Finally gotten around to posting this. *sigh* I've been working on this for a while now, and I just thought it would a short little angsty thing, but nooooo, I have to go and make this a multi-chapter story. xD Sorry my dears.**

 **Please, do tell if this is boring or horrible or if it's actually on the okay side - I want to know if my efforts have been fruitful. [And if you notice any spelling errors, do tell, I don't have a beta at the moment!]**

 **-o-o-o-**

 **Day One - Monday, December 23rd, 2013**

Hello. This is Dipper Pines. I'm not entirely sure as to how to start a journal but I was recommended to. Not sure why - no one's going to read it but me. But I guess it's a psychological thing for my psycho mind. Hah.

I think that's all for today, I can't seem to think of anything.

—

 **Day Two - Tuesday, December 31st, 2013**

Mom, dad and Mabel are out watching the ball drop. I was left at home. Again… I forgot that I had to do this, so here I am.

I guess I have to write about my feelings, right? I am talking to myself…

Well, I guess. I feel. Horrid. Disgusting, if you will. My parents have been leaving me home more often than not lately and dragging Mabel along with them. I know Mabel is upset, I see it in her eyes when she puts on her coat and shoes. I stand close to her and smile, telling her I'll be just fine. I whisper this so my parents won't hear… They'd just look at her or me with disgust probably. (Not that they weren't already.) I waved to them as they had walked out. Only Mabel waved back, as usual.

I've become accustomed to that.

I… I think I'm done for now, I feel numb. I'm going to bed. Good night…

—

 **Day Three - Saturday, January 4th, 2014**

It's finally snowing. I'm glad. Mabel loves snow. She's been excited all morning - she even woke me up at 7 today to tell me. I smiled at her, and it looked like her smile grew even brighter.

Strange. I guess I haven't been smiling much.

I should do it more, Mabel seems to enjoy it.

I don't know what I seem to be focused on Mabel today, I just am. She just seems so happy… I wish I could join her outside. Mother and Father probably probably wouldn't like that though. So I'll just watch her from up here.

School has been boring. I want to read up on the paranormal, not pythagorion therams. But whatever. I like English the most. We're reading whatever we want and we get to write whatever we want. The teacher likes what I write I think; he keeps leaving positive comments in the corners.

He thinks I have a great imagination when I'm just writing down real events from this past summer. But whatever, it's fine. He doesn't have to know about anything like that…

I'm remembering my past, so I think I'll stop here. Plus Mabel hurt her knee, I should go get her ice.

—

 **Day Four - Friday, February 7th, 2014**

In a week is my least favorite holiday - fun.

I mean, only two people love me and that's because we're related. They probably wouldn't want to if I wasn't. Then again, Mother and Father have done just that and I'm related to them by blood…

Grunkle Stan and Mabel. They keep me strong… I can forget my worries when I'm with them. But he's in Gravity Falls and Mabel isn't to get near me - parents orders. Piedmont is lonely…

I've gotten into drawing. It's strange, I usually like to write (does it show? hah) and this is a whole new way of expression. You need to fully put words into one picture. I've been drawing some of the mystical beings from the Journal in this book I asked from Mabel. She loves drawing her fashion ideas, and when she saw my interest, she just grinned and handed me some fancy pencils and a sketchbook about the same size as a marble notebook.

I will admit, I sucked at the beginning. But I tried harder, and I think I got some of them down pat. Like the gnomes or the Gravity Falls' falls. It's relaxing.

I just hope no one finds it. They'd hate it, so I just keep it in my room.

Not that I really go anywhere anyways.

Home is still lonely because it doesn't really feel like home. But whatever, right? I've dealt with tougher… Right?

I think I'm done. I don't feel so good.

—

 **Day Five - Friday, February 14th, 2014**

Mabel got herself a date from school. I know that she probably doesn't like him, but he is enamoured by her. I know that this'll only be a one time thing, she's fickle like that. Even though I'm messed up I do believe in soulmates.

The supernatural exists, so why not? It's the hopes of one lonely, depressed Dipper Pines I guess hah.

My parents aren't home either, so I have the house to myself. Again.

I have pills and some alcohol with me. If I don't write, it just means that I'm gone.

Goodbye.

Love you Mabel. Love you Grunkle Stan. Love you both so so much. Goodbye. I'm sorry I'm messed up. I really am. I'm sorry I messed myself up during those few months, I'm sorry, I am.

Haha, I'm crying so hard, I don't know if I'm writing on the line haha.

I wonder if anyone will even find this. They'll probably not even try to unlock my door until they start smelling rotten flesh coming from "somewhere" in the house.

Mabel would try to get in and leave meals by the door.

Grunkle Stan would've barged the door down haha… He'd say it was my shift.

They wouldn't care though… No one else would.

So, goodbye Grunkle Stan, Mabel; I'll miss both of you.

—

 **Day Six - Saturday, February 15th, 2014**

Failed Attempt Count - 1

I could only drink some alcohol before I heard Mabel outside. I wouldn't want her to come home to that, so I hid the stuff and pretended to be asleep. She came into my room and kissed my cheek, ran her hands through my hair and all I wanted to do was hug her.

But I was trying not to cry and stay calm because I felt so broken. So, so, so broken. I still feel broken, but only so, so broken.

I knew and realised as she stayed there for a while that that was my only one chance for a long time to be with her and actually Talk with her.

Our conversation went like this:

"Mabel?"

"Oh, Dipper, sorry, did I wake you?"

"No, it's fine." I grabbed her hand and intertwined our fingers like we used to do when we were younger. I smiled up at her, eyes watery, but hoping that she couldn't see nor read my mind.

"Oh… Well, hello." She sniffled. She probably realised the same thing. "Dipper?"

"Yeah?"

"I've missed you."

I sat up before I hugged her tight and said "I miss you too Mabes." (God, I haven't said that name in so long.)

She burst into tears at that point. I held her. It was nice, I felt needed and important and someone that could glue her back together. It was nice - I got to rub her back and smell her hair and kiss her forehead like we used to.

I wanted to say those nonsense things they say in the movies, but she and I both knew that they would be fake. So, I just opted for holding her.

When she calmed down, we talked about her date and how his nose was too big and how he smelled way too much of axe and how he'd tried to "subtly" flex to impress.

We were cracking up by the end of it all.

I don't think I've laughed in months. It felt so foreign and nice and.

And as usual, goods things ended much too quickly.

Our parents pulled up into the driveway, we could hear it clearly since my room was lovely located by the back of the house.

She kissed my cheek, said goodnight, and left quickly. No promises of continuation, just a lingering look with all the promises and hopes I know she couldn't say.

It hurt.

But it would probably hurt more if I had died and never had a chance at talking with her again.

I'm crying, so I think I'm going to go for now.

—

 **Day Seven -** **Thursday, February 20th, 2014** **Friday, February 21st, 2014**

Today is Mother's birthday.

I didn't want to give her anything, but I did. I drew her portrait of her holding a flower and smiling. She looked young, the wind was fluttering her skirt and she looked happy. Everything that she was not, I put her in her picture. Flattering I suppose.

She thanked me as coldly as anyone could.

But whatever.

I expected as much.

I left, right after taking their and Mabel's picture around the cake. I calmly walked upstairs.

It didn't go as bad as I thought it would at least - I got to eat dinner with them. I thought she'd send me upstairs with a plate of food so that she wouldn't have to see my face.

And that would've been fine with me too. But Mabel seemed happy as she rubbed my shin with her foot under the dining table. So it wasn't all bad.

It's almost 2 A.M., so I think I should go to sleep for now…. It's technically the 21st, isn't it? Whatever, easily fixable.

Well, good night.


	2. Week 2

**Day Eight - Saturday March 1st, 2014**

I think I'm drawing better. I hope so. I feel like I am? But maybe I'm being too hopeful. I'm practicing lots of realism, I hate when I can't get the shading right haha.

It is fun though. Some of my drawings are very dark, so now I really can't show it to anyone. That one pic I drew for Mother is now redrawn, same pose, same flower, except she is being possessed by a demon - eyes black and smiled crooked and oh so wide. Her hair was in disarray and the background changed to a warped image.

I'm very proud of it. It took me a long time to make it like that, but I used a pen for the final touches and a pencil was enough to make the background look blurry and faded.

Haha, sorry, I'm just so happy with how it turned out.

Other than that, bullies have been starting up again. Before, Mabel and I had almost all of our classes together, but now we only have lunch. Even then, we only have enough time to say hi before her friends drag her away saying she shouldn't be hanging out with the likes of me or that they were sorry we were brother and sister… And because I don't have Mabel , they probably think that I'm small, weak and fragile.

I came home with a black eye. My parents were home, and all they did was look at me once, stay silent, and then continue on with their lives. I smiled at that because I knew what they were thinking - "He deserved it".

But that's okay. I'm used to not crying in front of anyone anymore, it just hurt a bit.

—

 **Day Nine - Monday, March 3rd, 2014**

I haven't taken my medicine in so long. I don't think my parents even care or notice that I've run out. Not like they really did anything, I tried to kill myself a numerous amounts of times even after I started.

But now… Now I just feel terrible. I see everyone walking past me, and all I can do is stare with an ache in my chest to have even a fraction of their happiness.

Everything just hurts.

I can't talk to Mabel. I can't go back to the Mystery Shack - the only place I've felt at home. I can't go back to my friends… I can't go back to the creepy and fantasy-like creatures of the falls…

Everything seems to be put against me. And I just don't think I can stop it anymore…

—

 **Day Ten - Friday, March 7th, 2014**

I skipped school so much this week. My parents are't even bothered by it. Mabel has knocked on my door once or twice but. I just… The pills and alcohol seem like a better option more and more.

I've thought of other ways to kill myself lately too.

Jumping off a bridge, cutting my wrists, staying alive just kills me daily.

So, I've made a resolution.

If I'm not happy by the end of this year, then on New Years Eve, I'll end my life. That… That's a long time from now, so I'll be surprised if I can keep myself alive by then haha.

That's all for today.

—

 **Day Eleven - Wednesday, March 19th, 2014**

I don't know what's happening to me. It's a strange new development, I figure that it's because I have no one to depend or rely on anymore.

I've started getting voices in my head. It's… It's hard to describe. It's just faint buzzing and humming and maybe a "good morning". It sounds friendly? That's why I don't feel Too bothered by it.

I feel weird, writing it down. I'm just confused and alone in real life but. At least I'm not alone inside, right?

—

 **Day Twelve - Tuesday, April 1st, 2014**

School was great.

I had three exams and a pop quiz in chemistry, so that was fun. I do nothing but study nowadays so I know that I did well. It's lonely though… I know I've been hiding more and more in my room but. I don't really mind it anymore.

The voice in my head told me to give it a name. It sounded soft and sweet but not like a boy or a girl. So, I picked Max.

Max has been keeping me company so it's not all bad.

I know I'm not okay, or that Max is natural. I'm hoping that it's just my brain inventing an imaginary friend and not something like schizophrenia or psychosis… Even though Max said I shouldn't trust websites, I shouldn't exactly trust them either, should I?

—

 **Day Thirteen - Thursday, April 3rd, 2014**

I think I make faces when I talk to Max. Mabel was giving me a strange look during breakfast and that was when I realised I was grinning very hard. Max had said something funny, so I responded and we were having some nice banter, but I… I guess I forgot that I wasn't in my room anymore.

It's okay though, I know now so I should just take extra special care Not to do that anymore.

Max even comments on this journal I have… They make me feel kind of better - saying that they're my friend and that I shouldn't die. But… sadly, Max is just a voice. I haven't told anyone else about them either, they might think I'm crazy or that I need help.

Which I do, but just because I know I need it doesn't exactly mean that I want it, now does it?

I've been trying to draw more often nowadays. It helps me vent when I don't want to use words. It even distracts me. I've been drawing these abstract things and I really really like them. Maybe I should show Mabel my designs? She could probably make a sweater out of it.

I think that I should try to talk at dinner for once. I don't think I've done that since I've come back from summer vacation at Gravity Falls. But then again, they didn't really like it when I talked… Apparently I talked weird or I switched from English to Latin at random times (since you know, ancient texts and scriptures aren't in English) or I'd talk about weird topics.

I do want to try though. I miss talking to Mabel.

—

 **Day Fourteen - Friday, April 4th, 2014**

Dinner went great yesterday.

Mabel and I were left alone because my dad was going to some stupid business party (which my mother complained about how it was stupidly held on a Thursday) so she and I (and Max) were finally alone.

Max said that they would actually leave me alone for the night. It was strange and I wasn't used to it, but it was nice to put all my attention on my sister.

We played games and talked and ate and watched crappy horror movies that had lame special effects and it was a great night.

Our parents came home late that night, but they saw us still up, me braiding her hair and her eating popcorn while we were talking in front of the TV. I admit, it was stupid of us to have stayed in the living room for the whole time, but I wasn't really thinking. I was finally happy for the first time in a while.

They… Practically tore her from me. I knew she didn't like it when my father pushed me up the stairs, but I knew they were just trying to protect her. From me…

I know that summer was a bit horrible, and that I had changed but. I wasn't a psychopath, now was I?

Maybe Max disagrees because they're part of my sanity/conscious/insanity.

… Am I Truly Insane?

I have to go lie down.

-o-o-o-

 **AN: Well. Sorry that this is a bit shorter? xD I hope that you guys trust me as to where this story is going lol... because this is gonna be one hell of a ride (get ready lol) Tell me how you think of Max! :D I'm having so much fun with this hehe**


	3. Week 3

**AN: Look, backstory! :D Some of you guys have been asking for it, and I was getting to it, and... and here it is! I hope you guys like it, I had... looots of fun writing this eheh...**

 **I like being evil =w=**

 **Where am I going with this? aha... Well, you'll see. The chapters will be coming in a bit slower, I had the first two already written out. Be patient with me please, I love writing this, so hopefully I can finish it soon.**

 **-o-o-o-**

 **Day Fifteen - Monday, April 14th, 2014**

I've been busy with school and projects and avoiding everyone in my household. I couldn't let them touch my notes - but I wasn't all that worried, no one bothered to talk to me most of the time.

Our parents have been making sure that one of them is at home most of the time. And even when both of them are out, Mabel just looks at me sadly and holes herself up in her room. I knew that sooner or later she would have caved… That she would give up trying too. I'm surprised she even lasted for as long as she did.

But that's okay, I still have Max, and Mabel has all of her friends.

My notes concern things like my condition. I've been documenting things about Max and how I feel and how they react and stuff like that. This is some of the things that I've gathered so far:

When I'm happy: Max is happy too; soft buzzing in the back of my head; I feel uplifted [this does not happen often]

When I'm angry: Max is annoyed; buzzing gets louder;I get a small headache; I feel pissy and pissed off at everything

When I'm sad: Max is down; buzzing is loud, pretty much drowning out Max; I get a massive headache that even pain medication can't fix; I feel disoriented and lost and hopeless and depressed [this happens often]

When I write in my journal, I don't really feel anything, just a numb feeling of understanding really.

I have been overdosing lately too. I think that adds to my moods, but I'm not sure which one as of yet. I think it's happiness because I feel sick and disgusting and how I should feel, how I deserve to feel all the time. I took five pills before class today, and I was disoriented for all of math. I slept in the nurses station during my lunch break because I felt so dizzy, but I was okay in the end sadly.

I feel like a drug addict. Maybe I am… I take pills wherever I go and I take them whenever I want, be it on impulse or something else. Hah. A druggie and a psycho. Very fitting for the creep of Piedmont.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day Sixteen - Tuesday, April 15th, 2014**

I don't know what to do. My head is spinning and I can't stop laughing. My head hurts so, so much… I honestly can't see anything, I'm crying so much.

Am I happy? Am I sad?

I don't know.

I just know that I'm freaking the fuck out. Max is just rambling on and on about my journal and then they started laughing like a maniac. My everything hurts, and I don't know what's happening….

I think everything will be okay Dippy! Nothing to worry about, just gotta test this out love!

 _Hello! This is Max, coming from inside ya Dipper! I know that this is my first appearance, but don't you worry Dip, I just want to make sure you're alright. My friends and I have been thinking, why are you still here? These people fucking hate you!_

 _You should just go back to Gravity Falls, it seems like a nice enough place!_

 _Plus, maybe you can actually find some friends you fucking loser. :D_

 _Well, I'm gonna go for a bit, bother Bill some more haha. See ya in a bit hun~!_

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day Seventeen - Wednesday, April 16th, 2014**

I feel so sick.

I passed out, and when I woke up, I was shivering and hot all over. It was the strangest sensation - my heart was beating slowly, my chest was tight and the rest of me was cold. My face was flush and burning and my mind felt numb and achy.

When I got my bearings I… I opened my journal and found that.

Needless to say, I threw up. My parents didn't really care, they just went to work as usual. Mabel stopped by, leaving the pain and cold medication on my bed side table. She even kissed my forehead before telling me she'd skip her club today to look after me. I wanted to say "No, it's fine, you can go, don't worry about me." but.

But I wanted to be selfish… I know that that's wrong, but. But I just… I'm so Scared.

I know that Max is in my head, I know they know everything that I know, but he… He has conscious thought? He can control my movements, my body? Oh lord, I'm so terrified.

So I was selfish and I told Mabel that I would really like that. And she grinned that beautiful grin of hers before leaving me some toast and heading for the bus.

What is this? Why me? Max, I know you're in there, so please, tell me, why me?!

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day Eighteen - Thursday, April 17th, 2014**

Yesterday, I was empty. Well, not empty, it was just quiet. I was left alone and I would pop in and out of sleep. Mabel woke me up around 2:30 in the afternoon. I was sweating and apparently crying and Mabel was just sitting there, shushing and holding me. It was a nice thing to wake up to, but when she asked what I dreamed of, I had no answer.

I feel more paranoid then usual, Max can read my thoughts, they're my thoughts, or whatever the hell this messed up situation is.

Mabel took care of me, and the silence from Max was both welcoming and scary. I didn't and don't understand what the hell Max is and. What if they're "powering up" to take control of my body again? What are they doing in there, are they really a figment of my imagination anymore?

Psychosis can... cause you to hear and see crazy things, but Max had said something about a "Bill"? I feel so scared and confused, like what the fuck is this?

I wanted to tell Mabel, but I was scared I would push her away again. I didn't want that, not after not having her months after that stupid summer. So, I just talked quietly with her, pretended to sleep at times, and we ate and watched movies in the living room. It was like the other night, except we were cautious of time and she was coddling me.

It would have been nice if I hadn't been so worried...

When I woke up this morning, my ears were ringing, and everything seemed too bright. I don't know, it was a horrible episode and a bad time for my fucking sensory overload. There was no one even there.

Except for Max when they made their appearance. They said that I was. Never fully alone. And god did that scare me. I shut my eyes and calmed myself down before my alarm clock rang this morning. Apparently Max wanted to play with me today...

They said they took away my unease and sickness.

But how? Is this some kind of placebo affect?

I know I'm insane, but this is just too much, you know? I don't understand it at all...

Max kept rambling on and on about Gravity Falls and this "Bill" guy he wants me too meet during lunch and it just gave me the weirdest headache - I had a sense of elation and my head was throbbing. It wasn't like when Max is happy or sad or angry, I think they were a bit frustrated and elated and weird. The feeling still made me throw up in the bathroom later on.

I can't figure out my own feelings and I'm trying to figure out what the voice in my head is feeling. I'm a fucking Genius.

When I came home, Max was being weird. He kept talking about how much... I ate? I eat a fairly small amount but apparently I'm a pig for wanting an afternoon snack. I didn't get what he was getting at, so I just ignored him for once, [sadly] getting used to their strange antics.

When I went to my study, I had to run to the bathroom to throw up... again. Max said they didn't like being so full, so... They calmly told me it as for the better. I wanted to scream and cry, but then Mabel would notice, and I knew Max already knew how I was feeling.

I had a "conversation" with him while I was still gasping for breath, heaving in the toilet. It went like this:

 _Me: Will... Will you please stop?_

 _Max: Begging already? I like that kid!_

 _Me: Max - what are you doing? Stop doing this to my body, how are you even doing this?_

 _Max: Maaaaaybe, I'm just your subconscious dropping in to say hello! OH, or, I could be controlling your body with some weird voodoo magic! *laughs*_

 _Me: That's... not really funny._

 _Max: It's not, it's Hilarious! You're anxiousness and fear - my god, I could live off of it. Don't worry too much kid, you just need to be less fat, so I'm helping you along._

Max is... strange. I can't help but wonder where the nice person went? Are they really my subconcious? Are they really just a fragment of my imagination because I can't even get any friends? Why is he here...

I... I'm gonna find out.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day Nineteen - Saturday, April 19th, 2014**

I took a look in some places I never thought I'd revisit - The Journals.

I had them stored in my secret compartment under my bed. My dad would freak out again if he saw me with them, since I've been "practicing witchcraft and going against god" and all that... And mom would be just as terrified.

I let these books get to my head once, and I pushed away the only person I could trust with my life. I won't let it happen again...

My depression and anxiety and sensory overloads have been happening more often than not. Mabel is getting worried over me [what a nice feeling], and I have yet to call Grunkle Stan or even contact him and his brother in their shack again. I blame the first part on Max, but the second part is just something I should get to work on... Maybe they could. Help me.

That is, if they don't shun me away first...

Stanford [the author] had given me all three journals to use and keep safe. I did. I kept them the entire summer. And when I was alone in the attic, I... I practiced. Witchcraft, like my parents accused me of.

I was so consumed by the power rushing through me, and I just... It was wonderful. The words were elegant, stained by curses and blood and red. The symbols were beautiful, stunning when it was written in my blood... When I. Did my first spell and trapped that little fairy, wow, I felt weird. Elated. Then I couldn't help but. Crush it.

Fairy blood is very useful.

Ah, off track. Dipper, don't do it. Don't choose to be that again... They'll be scared of you. All over.

Just writing this stuff has Max quiet. They keep mumbling, and whispering, and it's ominous and creepy. I've been looking up what they could be in the journals.

I did find... something about a "Bill".

When I realised the two were one in the same, I nearly fainted. Nearly.

But I held steady, and read on. The journals helped, and Max was quiet when I read those too; almost too quiet. I couldn't even hear them talking to Bill.

Bill as in "Bill Cipher - omnipotent triangle guy, knower and seer of dreams and all alike".

I can't help but be scared of Max cackling.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day Twenty - Sunday, April 20th, 2014**

 _Ah. Hello Dipper! It being 3:40 A.M., you won't remember this. Plus, this'll help you_ _sleep since you barely get any, ha!_

 _This is Max. I want to tell you, that yes, you are in the right track, I'm so proud of you sweetie! Keep up the hard work and Bill and I will be able to communicate with you fully. Bill wants me to write "Hi Pine Tree! Hope you missed us!"_

 _I mean, I'm sure you're freaked out, but that's fine! I love that about you, your paranoia. It's enthralling, endearing even. If you were any weaker, you'd have broken by now, and yet, all you are is paranoid! Good job!_

 _But that's not why I'm using you're body aaaat... 3:44 in the morning. Ohhhh no. I wanted to offer you a deal my dear._

 _Let me use your body as I see fit, and I'll answer three questions for every time, since your mind is so muddled and you can't seem to understand much about. Well... anything. It gets annoying from time to time ahah._

 _Think about it kiddo!_

 _Bye bye_

 _~ Max_

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day Twenty One - Monday, April 21st, 2014**

When I woke up, I immediately ran to the bathroom to throw up. Then Max kept... telling em to open my little diary [journal] and when I did, everything was silent.

I was standing there, shocked and still.

And then I ran to throw up again... I could only dry heave since I chucked my dinner up previously. It hurt, my throat was burning and ugh...

Fuck, someone help...


	4. AN

Sorry that this isn't a chapter guys, I just wanted to tell you that... I don't.

I don't want to post up anything that's not my 100%. I want it to be absolutely perfect for you all and. I just... Get worried haha. I don't want to half ass it and dissapoint you, but then I take too long to make it perfect. ;u; I'm sorry for the wait my dears, please be patient with me as I write the fourth chapter.

It's so much fun to write, but it's also so terribly hard - I have to go to the deep recesses of my mind and get all the bad things that I have and put in text form. These problems are in fact mine (the depression and anxiety at least) so it... I have to take breaks from it or else it just hurts to write.

I know that this just sounds like excuses, but it's true. I promise I'll get up the next chapter soon, I just wanted to tell you why it's not up yet ;u;

Sorry if this is just another annoying AN, I just wanted to explain myself haha...


	5. Week 4

**Day 22 - Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014**

 _Trust No One_

If I had to learn anything from those damn books it should have been that. It should have! I trusted Mabel. She moved out of our room when we were 13 at the Mystery Shack, telling me I was too invested, that I shouldn't worry about this kind of stuff during the year. I mean, when you find yourself, shouldn't you be allowed to express it - cheerleading or science club, parties or... summoning demons, I don't know!

Whatever, not the point.

The Stans just... Stanford he. He didn't like me learning the stuff because of what he went through. And I guess Grunkle Stan sort of shared the experience, so it's... Understandable.

Why they decided that shunning me along with each other was a good thing, I don't know. I would never shun Mabel.

... Can't be said the other way around I guess.

My parents acted like parents when I first came back, they were happy that we made friends and we would have long talks about our summers. Our first summer back, I showed my parents my journals and Mabel [albeit hesitantly] and I told them about the woods and everything.

The second summer back, when we were 13, they all started to get a little worried about me. I could tell by their stares and stuff, so I just kind of... I just locked myself in my room more and more.

It was weird, keeping this a secret. But then, Mabel would only like to hear about the stuff during the summer. And then, when I would show her what I had learned, she tried to copy me, and when she did she would get annoyed and frustrated, to which I would respond with a scoff and, "I've been training for months unlike some."

I guess I hurt her...

The next summer we went back, when we were 14, it was hard. She didn't want to talk to me and I just. Summoned things, possessed this and that - Mabel and I were supposed to do this together, but instead I pushed her away.

It's all always my fault. I should have stopped while I had the chance, then I wouldn't have been so rocky with Mabes, and the Stans might actually look at me with a real smile or something. My parents I think are too far gone.

I just wanted to write that since my therapist told me to. Writing about the past is supposed to help I suppose, you can see it in black and white and it'll help open you up so they can dig a little deeper.

But all I'm seeing is that I'm the creep at fault for everything that's happened this far.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 23 - Thursday, April 24th, 2014**

I got tired of thinking about the past yesterday, so I sort of just stopped. I should have pushed through instead of letting my depression get to me for once since Max is trying so hard to get my attention these days.

He made that proposal a while ago. If I remember anything correctly, it's that I know demons always love their deals.

I've concluded that Max isn't a subconscious form of thought, rather a demon that's wormed it's way out of Gravity Falls. Demons take after bugs after all, they pluck and tear an opening in your mind/body/soul and then implant themselves before you notice. Then, when they're ready, they'll say hello or do something to make you notice them.

This could have been starting since this summer... Maybe the first time I saw Bill when I was 12... Maybe when we crossed the city bounds on the bus even!

I don't like this. At all. But what can I Do?!

I've tried too much, too hard to let go of everything that I've done. The spells, the magic, the blood, the sacrifices, no, I can't forget about that all, I can't.

Max realises this, that's why they're cackling in my head right now... They've been talking about Bill more often. I'm worried what he'll do. He's a dream demon, he could have tortured and tormented me already, they could have had me killed anyways considering Max can control my body, and I just.

I'm so scared.

I don't know what they want, I don't know what I have to offer, and that damn deal keeps popping up in my mind (maybe not my mind...).

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 24 - Wednesday, April 30th, 2014**

Max is _torturing_ me.

"Why haven't you decided yet?"

"Maybe I should call Bill...?"

"Kid, you have no friends, why is this taking so long, you know you can have all the friends you want when you're with me and Bill!"

"Come on kid, you know what you want, I know what you want, figure it out dammit."

They're torturing me. I don't understand why they need my damn permission, the first time they controlled me wasn't all that up to me! I want to call Grunkle Stan and Grandpa Stanley and ask what the hell I should do. My parents probably aren't gonna send us to Gravity Falls this summer either...

I guess I have to... research more. Even though I've turned over ever page, poured myself into every nook and cranny of these books, I still can't fucking find anything - despite all that, I don't want to know what losing hope would bring me.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 25 - Thursday, May 1st, 2014**

It's been a while since I last ate, Max isn't letting me after all. I kind of want to tell my therapist about it, but he would just say it's bulimia or something and give me some meds or stick me back in the psych ward for teens... As much as I liked my stay, I don't want to go back there, all the aides and nurses would be mad at me or shoot me disappointed looks.

The psych ward was pretty weird for the first time. And the fact that Max could bother me and I had no distractions whatsoever made it a little harder. Not that that's any different from what's happening now though, Max is always pestering me about his deal.

What could I possibly gain from working with the two of them?

Depression?

The fear of everyone around me?

Maybe power in some horrible, strange sense?

Knowledge?

I don't know what they'll offer me, but what I do know is that it probably won't be worth it. I've been trying so hard to get out of my depression, and focusing my whole mind and soul into whatever the hell this is has been helping. Only slightly since they are the cause of some of it.

I must fight with whatever strength and willpower I have left.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 26 - Friday, May 2nd, 2014**

Delving back into magic has been tough.

At first I started small, just reading and trying some incantations to try to figure out how "Max" came to be, or at least what type of demon they are. There are lots of demons that deal with a lot of different things - elements, space, dreams, you name it.

Max just doesn't seem to fit into one of these categories really, he just... he can control my body. It's weird and scary at the same time, you know?

Throughout it all, Max just doesn't seem to stop asking me about the deal. When I was reading the journals and setting up a magic circle to help me concentrate, Max kept saying, _'I could tell you what I am... I can even show you my true form. Let me, I just need your permission...'_. Will power came into play a bit there, but I just thought of all the way that that could back fire on me and it made the temptaion go away.

\- Show me his true form? He could attack me, I wouldn't be ready for it.

\- His true form could be the thing of my nightmares for years to come, and I already have enough of those.

\- Just no. No deals with Demons.

I'm going to soundproof my room and sit in my circle to give me enough privacy for this next step. I wanna ask some questions to other spiritual beings, and maybe the willing ones could tell me what is happening.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 27 - Saturday, May 3rd, 2014**

It's been a long day.

I haven't even cracked open a journal yet today and I'm pooped.

Mabel dragged me out of my room today. She didn't really comment on the runes on the floor or the journals on my desk. She just glanced me over and told me to be careful.

She didn't want to see me get hurrt again.

Doesn't she know that she was a big part of that pain? She was the one who left! I wanted for magic to be a thing that bonded us together, something that could make our family tighter. But I guess not. Hopeful wishes are just wishes after all.

*sigh* But whatever. Today was pretty fun all in all. Mabel and I went out, not telling our parents of course, and we went to the movies and the in-town carnival. The worn out, dangerous looking rides made us grin and think of Grunkle Stan.

I was a bit entrigued by the rom-com... It was. Just so cute? So... I hope Mabel never finds this.

Max was quiet throughout the day, making snide comments once in a while that I would either ignore or answer in my head. Now, as I'm laying down, they're just hitting me with full force. The depressing thoughts are just filling my head, and I have no clue how to stop them.

It's weird how words can physically hurt you. I hate it so much. I could say that it's all in my head, but really it's a demonic dream demon teaming up with god knows what in order to take control of my body.

So.

Before I do anything too stupid, I guess I'll just go to bed.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 28 - Tuesday, May 6th, 2014**

How could I have been so Stupid?!

Max is a demon working for Bill, or maybe Max is just a tiny bit of Bill's lifeforce just latching on and changing it's aura and identity so much it seemed like a different demon!

The silence in my head proves that I am Right!

But. What the hell would they need me for? I'm just the depressed nerd with a dipper birthmark on his forehead.

Max just said that I was "important enough". Well okay then.

I know that they want me to go to Gravity Falls this summer but. I don't know if I can. I might blurt out what's been happening to Mabel too, and I don't want to freak her out more than she is about my strange behavior.

The question really remains as if I should or shouldn't go... Fuck.

I might get hurt staying here. I might get hurt over there. I might get answers over there though... And I'll get to see the Grunkles again, maybe they can help? But what if Bill and "Max" get a stronger hold of me? What if I'm trapped...?

Well Fuck. You've always had to power through the hard decisions yourself, haven't you Dipper Pines?

 **-o-o-o-**

 **AN: Hello~ After so long I have come back! I'm so sorry to those who actually liked this story and wanted more sooner. I'll try to update quicker - school's boring enough to not pay attention and still get an A haha. So I have a bit more time to write some fanfics!**

 **Should Dipper go back to Gravity Falls~? Hehe, I think I know how I wanna shape this story, but tell me, do you want to see him venture to his true home and poooossibly maybe get hurt oooooor! Would you like to see him suffer alone with his thoughts, trying desperately to stay afloat of school, his relations and his demons all at once?**

 **:3 Leave a review, they make me happy and spur me to write! Love you all~**


	6. Week 5

**Day** **29 - Thursday May 8th, 2014**

My weight has been dropping drastically this past week. Everything I try to stomach, Max and/or Bill make me throw it up. I've been gaining more will power and stomaching food, and taking supplements that I ordered offline, but I need to eat at some point.

If they need me, wouldn't they need a strong vessel? Or are they just looking to getting inside of me easier, so they would need to weaken me? Haaahhhh this is stressful...

Max keeps reminding me about that deal we could have had. "Give them control over my body for three little clues and hints"? Was it really that easy to get them to tell me why they were doing what they were doing...

But I shouldn't.

I cant.

It's risky and stupid and I know that...

*sigh* Whatever, I want to actually talk about other things than this. It consumes me most of the time, so I think I deserve a little break.

Mabel has been coming home later and later. Or she's sneaking out, because her parents would never let her stay out that late. I'm worried and when I go to talk to her, she pushes me away. Like I did to her.

I don't want that. I'm going to go talk to her after I write,and maybe she'll be calm enough when she knows I'm serious and want to help her.

I've even been thinking about telling her about Max. The thinking would then cause an annoying and painful migraine, but maybe if I tell her, it would be better? A weight off my chest.

I still want to call the Grunkles. Even Soos would make me feel better with his stupid comments and lame jokes. [I meant that in the most endearing way.] I need help, I need my mind off of it. I want to take back control but I don't know how!

Dipper, you're straying, calm down.

I've been feeling angrier these past few days too. Probably because I haven't been eating and no one cares that I've been loosing weight. It sucks to feel unwanted.

Whatever, I'm tired, I'm going to lie down and then have a chat with Mabes.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 30 - Friday, May 9th, 2014**

So...

I had a chat with Mabel last night.

It was one of the most awkwardest, normalest teenage conversations I've had so far in my life. Apparently, she's been attending house parties. Nothing major, but she dances and drinks. As long as she doesn't do drugs and doesn't drink too much, I feel okay with it. I drink too, so.

She was kind of shocked when I told her that. I just laughed and nodded. I didn't bother telling her my tries at suicide, it was starting out to be a lovely day [since we talked at like 1 AM]. She grinned at me at one point and told me to join her next time. I knew it was a bad idea - everyong hated me - but I couldn't say no. I just said "Maybe one day" and left it at that.

Mabel continued to tell me of other confusing teenage things and how she thinks she might like girls. I just kinda shrugged and said "do what - or who - you wanna do" and left it at that. Or I thought that was that, but she crushed me in one of her signature hugs and laughed/sobbed out a thank you in her wobbly-sort-of-tears voice. I'm not quite sure what I did, but if the smile on her face was anything to go by, I would say she was happy.

I told her that I might be asexual. It was weird to talk about [and even to write right now] but she listened. I told her I "go through the motions" but it's not enjoyable. Sex seems icky as childish as that is to say hah.

I wanted to tell her about Max... But when I tried to, I could feel the panic start building up inside me. What if she didn't believe me? What if this - our relationship - gets strained again? I didn't want that, I don't, not when we're talking again. Mabel is one of the best things in my life, I don't wanna lose her again.

... The... everything's quiet in my head now. It was kind of buzzing just a second ago and now... Now nothing.

...

Oh god. Don't come near my goddamn family you damn demons.

I will force you out, just wait. When the time comes, you'll get what you deserve.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 31 - Saturday, May 10th, 2014**

 _Hey PIIIINE TREEE, just wanted to drop by, say hi. You always get the funniest reactions when me or "Max" take over your body, so. Why not?! HAH!_

 _You are just so CUTE and NAIVE, thinking you have a choice in this matter. No matter what, I know that this will all work in MY favor. ALL SEEING, YOU KNOW?! HAHAHAH! Everything is going according to plan Piiine Treee~ Don't you worry about a THING, you'll know what's gonna happen sooner or later. _

_One last thing before I go._

 _Never.  
Threaten.  
A Demon. _

_Or you'll get what's coming to you..._

 _HAHA! BYE PIIIIINE TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_

 _\- Bill Cipher_

 _3:12 AM_

* * *

I woke up at 11 AM which is unusual for both my natural alarm clock and insomnia [I couldn't believe I even fell asleep]. But then I opened my journal and realized what had me tuckered out.

I didn't freak out as bad as last time thankfully, just sort of sat there and stared. I read it 3 times before the buzzing started back up in my head. I hate to say that that's becoming Comforting now. Ugh...

I'm also glad I didn't freak because that would give Bill the satisfaction of seeing me go temporarily insane.

The choices thing is worrying. That I'll admit you assholes. But know this. I may have depression, anxiety, and whatever other disorder under the sun that you both graciously gave me, but Know that I know things can change. Know that I know the future can change. Bill Cipher, nothing is set in stone. There are hundreds of Thousands of different alternate universes, all of which fates have changed.

So Bill... Don't threaten a teenager who would and will do fucking Anything for the ones he cares about. Don't even try.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 32 - Monday, May 12th, 2014**

School already sucks, I don't need anymore stress from fucking Demons. Alas, my life has never been easy... There's just this incessant buzzing in my head, more so than usual. Even though I know what they're teaching in class pretty well, it would be nice to still Try to learn.

I got so fed up that I just focused on tuning out the buzzing than anything else. It was hard but I managed.

Aside from the buzzing and random suicidal/homicidal ideations popping into my head, neither Bill nor Max has tried to talk to me. Not even about the deal. I'm thankful for the slight "silence", but it still worries me. Then again, everything worries me these days, so that's now irrelevant.

God, I'm just so fucking tired.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 33 - Monday, May 19th, 2014**

I'm either sleeping too much or not at all, pill bottles seem extremely enticing nowadays, and finals are almost here. Oh, and in addition to all the normal crappy stuff, Max keeps calling me shit and how I'll never amount to anything other than what Bill has in store for me.

Real sweet stuff...

I still want to tell someone. Maybe not about everything, but definitely about some of it. I don't want to freak Mabel out, but I need some support. Parents? What parents. Friends are nonexistent. Mabel is... She's the only thing I have here. It's fragile and stuff, and I don't want to break it, but I Need to talk about it! I feel like I'm crashing harder into my depression by the day and I just need someone to listen to me.

*sigh* ... My depression has become normal? Like, I can't imagine everyday life without it. And now that I know that, it kind of feels like I have some control over it? Idk, demons could also be attributing to my mental stability. It certainly makes me paranoid.

Like that thing with Mabel. Or with what I wrote. No repercussions? Since when is that ever the case? That's right, never.

I managed to give her a seal/protection spell without her knowing. I made her a bracelet with runes etched in silver. I haven't seen her take it off yet, so I assume she likes it. I tried to make it as fashionable as possible so she could wear it all the time.

I sound so lame hah.

But yeah. Life's been terrible, and it just seems to be getting worse.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 34 - Tuesday, May 20th, 2014**

This morning, Bill dropped by to say hi. It was in my dreams. He told me not to bother caring about Mabel since she'll just "leave and never look back" if I ever told her. As much as it pains me to say, yeah, I do believe that. I've been doubting myself for a while now, and god I don't want her to hate me...

But I did take a risk. This morning, Mabel and I were eating cereal groggily, her parents passed out upstairs. I asked her if she wanted to go to Gravity Falls this summer.

She said she didn't know and asked if I wanted to go. I just knew she was looking at me with worry in her eyes, so I stalled a bit and kept eating my breakfast.

I said I missed being with my real family and left it at that.

School was school, boring, full of bullies, and that constant buzzing sound in my head.

When I got home, I felt dead tired. Before I passed out on my bed, I had a fleeting thought - "this isn't going to be good".

And it wasn't. It Definitely wasn't.

The screams, the blood, the murder, the flames; it was like I was watching it from an aerial view. Bill just kept saying, "This is the future Pine Tree, get ready".

I was apparently asleep for four hours since it was 6:30 when I woke up with Mabel shaking me awake.

She said I was shouting and I didn't need to reach a hand up to feel the tears on my face.

I didn't want to, but I lunged into her arms, crying into her chest. She just held me and comforted me to the best of her abilities. I wanted to tell her about it, but I couldn't find the words to describe the scene. I could definitely say I was scared.

I was. I am. It's 10 at night and I don't think I could go back to sleep (and I certainly don't want to).

All of this is getting tiring after dealing with it for as long as I have. I'm gonna draw and try to take my mind off of everything.

 **Xx-xX**

 **Day 35 - Wednesday, May 21st, 2014**

Honestly, I'm so fucking tired of everything.

Finals and studying are kicking my ass, along with all the lovely brutes in my school. My parents have apparently forgotten they had two children, because last night? Yeah, they were shocked I was "still here". What the Fuck does that mean?! Did they forget about me so much they thought I ran away? Did they think I killed myself like... I don't know and I'm gonna find out.

But God that made me upset. Come on, you don't just... Unless you're abusive and you're a horrible parent, I don't think you can just assume stuff like that. Then again I'm assuming right now... Ah whatever, another mystery for another day.

Mabel is kinda ignoring me again, I think it was the breakfast talk, but it's fine. She has to warm up to the thought I suppose.

I drew a lot last night. Most of it's crossed out scribbles, but I really like the one I drew of me decapitating myself.

God, I'm so fucked up now, I don't even know if that was me or Bill.

And honestly? My depression can go fuck itself. I hate it and I hate that I hate me, it's just getting so fucking annoying...

I'm going all over the place, but I couldn't sleep last night, and I'm just running on fumes so meh. Max has been pretty bleh to me, indifferent I guess. He keeps giving me messages from Bill though and that's kind of creepy. They said that they have a direct mind link with him apparently.

Bill doesn't want me to tell Mabel. He doesn't want me to search through the books, says I won't find anything. He's saying he could help convince my parents, and even though I very much dislike them, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy... Sometimes Max even tells me that the deal is still an offer. Pfft. Who the fuck do they think they are?

I'm insane but not psychotic.

Yet.

I'll get there one day haha..

I have to go study more. I'll write later.

 **-o-o-o-**

 **AN: Guess who's alive~ It me. Hello my dears, I'm sorry and guilty that I've been ignoring this and my everything else... Just the account in general. Depression is a bitch, I have school, apparently diabetes, and that boosts my self confidence twenty fold! :D *cries inside* I've been in the hospital, and I don't have motivation to write in a place like that. It's 12:32 am and I have a doctors appointment tomorrow too so wish me luck, I'll try harder to get the next chapter out sooner.**

 **Also! Very important announcement! This part of the story is going to end very soon, in about a chapter or two. Part two won't be in a journal entry perspective, but I'll probably still incorporate them since Dipper is obviously emotionally constipated with all the demons messing with his poor head ;u;**

 **see you later!**

 **(Also, tell me if there are any grammar mistakes, I'll fix them right up)**


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